Thursday, October 20, 2016

Open Letters Series: E.N.

I threw my iPhone across the room as soon as I read it. I’m toxic, I know that about myself. I mangle even the semblance of your innocence. I’m terrible at this, I’m a deviant in the worst way. I made your head swim in a matter of moments and I wonder why I’m alone or why I can’t ever get a good woman to stay. I always have this crude fight with myself: my sexuality, my faith, my morality, and my heart. I scared you because my spirit is so out of sorts; ghosts of my upbringing and my environment appear repeatedly when I’m with you.

The thing is that text you sent me is right: we are better as friends. The problem now is we can’t be friends, we shot that notion down the moment I made my way inside you. We’re both scared to send that first text now, it’s too strange, too painful, too difficult. No one wants to look inside for the courage to lie to yourself, to lie and say you can move on from a difficult decision. Who wants to be face-to-face with someone that you expressed levels of gratitude for you may never feel again in your life? Who the fuck wants to feel that pain? 

The last time me and someone else decided to be greedy and hoard each other’s love we ended up creating an even bigger disaster for ourselves. Since then, I haven’t wanted a thing to do with greedy love. No matter how consumed I am, how deep the infatuation runs, or how stupefying the sex is I can’t do it again. It creates a horrendous pain in my soul, but it keeps me from destroying myself or you for that matter. So yes, we may never see eachother again.

I’m not okay with that; never seeing you again. It’s unfair that we were brought together to never see each other again. It’s unfair that we ultimately wasted each other's time. I know I may be painting this situation in black-and-white, but the grey areas are the most dangerous in love. Staying out of the grey areas will protect both of our hearts well into the future. Even if that means I’ll never see you again, embrace you again, kiss you again, or look you in your eyes and feel that electricity again. 

I’m not okay with never seeing you again, but I know it has to happen. I don’t regret one moment we spent together though. I’m so happy that you reminded me I could truly open myself back up to someone, and not hold back my emotions. If anything, I can take solace in knowing I was able to seriously put myself out there. I’m delighted I got to know you, even if it won’t continue into the future. Never seeing you again may be the worst feeling in the world, but it will give both of us happy futures. I wish you all the best, even though I’m pretty sure you got me sick. 

In loving appreciation,
Ethan Gaines

P.S. Don’t you dare duh me again, sweetie.

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